I've never been in a wedding before, and my experience with weddings is seriously limited, but what it actual wedding bridesmaid etiquette? (not Mormon etiquette where weddings are just like a birthday party and you come if you can make it).
I have a friend whose family is not a member of the church, and she is having a pretty significant wedding reception. This isn't your typical Mormon wedding (first because every time I talk to her, her parents are either boycotting the wedding or paying for something extravagant) because she's been dating her boyfriend for over 5 years and by the time they get married they'll have been engaged for a few days under a year.
Now, my friend asked me to be her bridesmaid. I'm told that you really can't turn that down. And with a year notice, I'm pretty sure that I can plan around it.
However, for this wedding, there is going to be significant travel - she's from St. Louis (as is her finacee). For me, it's not that big of a deal. Honestly, I'll have a fun weekend in St. Louis and the money I'll spend is really insignificant in the grand scheme of life. I think it's more important to support my friend who is not receiving support from her family.
Now here is my inquiry. Another friend of ours was also asked to be a bridesmaid. And the entire time, she has been saying, I'm not going to go because it's too expensive (we also had to purchase our own dresses - $85) with the flight and the dress, and I really don't want to go. Then at Christmas another of her friends got engaged and she thought the weddings conflicted so she could stay in Utah and go to that wedding because she's known that friend longer. As it turns out, the weddings don't conflict, but now she's found another conflict having to do with a career option. Granted she could sign up for another time, but this date seems like the most convenient time to take the test and if she passed, would present a clear advantage for job prospects (so she says).
Personally, I think this is pretty selfish and a little ridiculous. No, I don't want to buy an ugly bridesmaid dress or spend money to get to St. Louis if I don't have to, but I think that coming up with excuses for 8 months is ridiculous. If you don't want to go, you should have said something 8 months ago when she asked you to be a bridesmaid, and you should consider the situation outside of yourself a little.
Yes, the typical Mormon wedding occurs every weekend of the year, and it doesn't really matter if you go or not, but I think with a friend that has just joined the church 2 years ago and her family is not excited about the wedding and a little resentful about the ceremony overall, you could be willing to make a sacrifice for her.
I understand that taking the test that day might be convenient, but it's not like there aren't other dates to take the test.
I'm a little annoyed with this friend.
I admit, I'm not the best friend in the world, but I sure try to be the friend I'd like to have. She always asks me why I don't like people in Utah and what I mean when I say that people are fake. I told her it was being someone's friend when it's convenient for you, and then forgetting them when you move on from that stage in life. I definitely think she is that kind of friend. And this whole thing bugs me. I honestly don't think it would have bugged me as much if she would have said right when she knew that the wedding was going to be in St. Louis to say, "you know, I don't think that I'm going to be able to go because it's a bit expensive for me and I don't know what I'll be doing at that time next year." That's kind of mean, but I think it's better than saying, "I haven't ordered the bridesmaid dress yet because I really don't want to go" just 3 months before the wedding and nearing the deadline to order that particular dress.
You don't have to agree with me. I could be completely off base, but I really think that if you are someone's friend, you have the decency to tell them something hard upfront and not drag it out for 8 months.
Please let me know if I'm wrong. I really don't know much about weddings or what you're obligations are as a bridesmaid.
*This is not a photo of the actual bridesmaid dress
4 comments:
I totally agree with you. I spent $3000 to be someone's maid of honor. To fly to Mexico, for my and my mom's hotel after the wedding, to alter a dress I will never wear again, for the cost of the ticket price change when I bought the ticket for the wrong time because my friend never sent out save the date cards or announcements and told me the wrong date... I almost changed my mind but it still would have been 6 months beforehand, and her sister would have happily been the maid of honor. Duties of a bridesmaid: be supportive of the bride, she has two families and their issues to deal with. :) Good on you.
It's a fine line. I've been a bridesmaid twice for Catholic weddings, and both times it was fine. I do think that if you're a good enough friend to someone that she asked you to be a bridesmaid, you are kind of obligated to support her, even if things get a little ridiculous.
But there is a line. It's different for everyone, but I've had other friends who treated their weddings like a coronation, and all their bridesmaids ran around like little serf girls. It doesn't sound like your friend is doing this, though, but perhaps the other bridesmaid legitimately can't afford the dress, plane ticket and hotel. That's fine, it's a rough economy, but if she's a good friend, she would have just said so upfront and told the bride that she'd "be there" for her during the planning as much as she can, but she can't afford t be in the wedding. She's just being passive aggressive because she doesn't have the guts to do that.
(Wow, this is a long comment.)
I have a little anecdote about myself to reply to this: during my sophomore year of college I had a lot of bad experiences planning stuff for me and my friends to do. Mostly bad because these friends were flighty. Finally one day I called a friend to see if he would be coming to something I had planned and when he told me that "maybe" he'd come I told him to quit being a wimp and just say "no" when we both knew that's what he meant. He hestitatingly said, "Okay. No. I'm not coming." And I thanked him for being a man about it. Moral is: I do not appreciate fence sitting. In fact, I'm against it. Does this answer your question?
I agree. I had one of my bridesmaids do that to me a month before the wedding. The thing is, I would have been willing to help her pay for it if she had told me earlier. But in the end, I just ended up being once bridesmaid short. It was really disappointing, especially since I thought she was one of my closest friends.
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