The Price of Motherhood

In my last semester of college, I needed 3 random humanities credits. So I looked through the course catalog and found an interesting history course titled: "The History of the US Family." After I attended a few classes, I went back to the course listing and realized the course was cross referenced as a course in Women's Studies. Not that I think Women's Studies classes are a bad thing, but it all goes back to the connotations. In the end, I would say that I enjoyed the class. I agreed with some of what was said, and I didn't agree with other aspects. Overall, it "rounded out" my liberal arts education. But I am surprised that I didn't realize that is was a Women's Studies class based upon the book list - which included The Price of Motherhood - a book that I still have on my bookshelf. 

Ann Crittenden explains, "With the disappearance of the extended patriarchal family, followed by the decline of the two-parent family, women's advances in freedom have been offset by men's decreasing responsibility for children. ... Women have gained new rights and men have resisted new obligations." (page 81).

Granted this book was published in 2001 and I think a lot of progress has been made in the last 12 years. Which is why I'm turning back to my BFF Sheryl Sandberg. [The rest of the quotes will be from Lean In, which I previously posted about here].

First she gives some important advice about finding a spouse:

"When it comes time to settle down, find someone who wants an equal partner. Someone who thinks women should be smart, opinionated, and ambitious. Someone who values fairness, and expects or, even better, wants to do his share in the home. These men exist and, trust me, over time, nothing is sexier." (page 115).

So once we've found someone seeking out an equal partner,* then we can have equal responsibilities on all of life's difficult tasks:


"A comprehensive review of governmental, social science, and original research that led them to conclude that children, parents, and marriages can all flourish when both parents have full careers. The data plainly reveal that sharing financial and child-care responsibilities leads to less guilty moms, more involved dads, and thriving children.” (page 24).

"When fathers provide even just routine child care, children have higher levels of educational and economic achievement and lower delinquency rates. … We all need to encourage men to lean in to their families.” (page 113).

So it seems clear that men and women both need to be involved in their children's lives. The notion that the best place for the woman is in the home as a blanket statement doesn't quite seem to be accurate:


"Study after study suggests that the pressure society places on women to stay home and do ‘what’s best for the child’ is based on emotion, not evidence.” (page 135).

But at the same time, we can't just assume that it's easy for women to thrive in the work force and that it's easy for men to thrive when focusing more on child rearing than previous generations:

"Gender-specific expectations remain self-fulfilling. The belief that mothers are more committed to family than to work penalizes women because employers assume they won’t live up to expectations of professional dedication. The reverse is true for men, who are expected to put their careers first.” (page 114).

I think that Parenthood is difficult for everyone. Balancing career and family in challenging economic times is no easy feat. But the things in life that are difficult often seem to be worth the most. So I will continue seeking out someone who wants to be an equal partner and hope to find some semblance of balance in my life when the time comes.

*[I'm holding back some cynicism]

The F Word: Feminism

Friends, I hope it's clear, but in case it's not; I'm a feminist. I recently read Lean In: Women, Work, and the Will to Lead by Sheryl Sandberg and I loved every page. I highly recommend it to everyone - woman, man, feminist, non-feminist. It was that good. It changed my attitude about life. Really. It did.

I'm going to share a few quotes. This is often where I stop reading other blogs with a post of just quotes, BUT I promise I'll keep it short, and it'll be worth your time.

“Currently, only 24% of women in the US say that they consider themselves feminists. Yet when offered a more specific definition of feminism –‘A feminist is someone who believes in social, political, and economic equality of the sexes’—the percentage of women who agree rises to 65%." (page 158). 

Although feminism has a bad connotation—the bra-burning, man-hater—I agree with the greater concept of feminism. Gender Equality. Because of the huge discrepancy between those who embrace word 'feminist' vs those who embrace the concept of feminism, Sheryl [we're on first name terms] goes on to say, "We can no longer pretend that biases do not exist, nor can we talk around them.” (page 158).

I just want to press another key point:

"I do not believe that there is one definition of success and happiness. Not all women want careers. Not all women want children. Not all women want both. I would never advocate that we should all have the same objectives.” (page 10).

It's important to challenge the status quo and really think about what we are teaching women and girls. 

"From an early age, girls get the message that they will have to choose between succeeding at work and being a good mother." (page 92).

"One reason women avoid stretch assignments and new challenges is that they worry too much about whether they currently have the skills they need for a new role. This can become a self-fulfilling prophecy, since so many abilities are learned on the job. An internal report at Hewlett Packard revealed that women only apply for open jobs if they think they meet 100% of the criteria listed. Men apply if they think they meet 60% of the requirements.” (page 62).

And to keep my promise, I'll close with: “True equality will be achieved only when we all fight the stereotypes that hold us back.” (page 168). [Maybe I'll share more quotes in another post]