Growing up with a mom that always worked outside the home
and continued to ask me on a regular basis what I wanted to be when I grew up,
I never thought about being a stay-at-home mom. In fact, I didn't even know you
could want to be a stay at home mom until the 10th grade when a
teacher asked what we hoped to be when we grew up (I said orthodontist) and a
girl in my class (not LDS) responded “a mother.” Until that day, the thought
had never crossed my mind. Who would have thought that Primary and 4 years of
Young Women classes and I didn't even know you could want to be a stay at home mom?
Clearly someone failed.
Even after learning that I could desire to be a stay at home
mom, it never really appealed to me. Granted, I like kids, and want them, but I
have always considered myself an intellectual and wanted to contribute to
society in some way in addition to raising my children to be good citizens.
And this is why being a young single woman in the church can
just drive you crazy at times. When I was 19, I walked out of Sacrament Meeting
when the High Council Speaker said that if we weren't dating, we were sinning
and that we had to focus on our divine roles as mothers and fathers. It annoyed
me immensely, and even offended me because at 19 I had no desire to be a mother,
yet. I wanted to learn, explore various academic disciplines, travel, etc.
Fast-forward a few years to now, and I no longer get
offended by the off-hand comments people make about being mothers and aspiring
to be mothers. I know that their comments aren't meant to offend me, but I still seek to change LDS culture
in assuming that every young single woman desires to be a mother and is only
pursuing a career because she hasn't gotten married yet. So that’s what I’d
like to do now.
While many young single women in LDS culture yearn to be
mothers, it does not mean that everyone does. Why can’t we focus on supporting
smart, capable, driven women to seek after positions in academia, corporate America,
government, or other sectors of the work force, and aid them in balancing their
families and their desires to develop their career and intellectual pursuits?
I am sick of women seeking all the education they can only insofar as the off chance that they
may not marry, their husband dies, or they divorce. That is so short-sighted. I would venture that
many women in the church have had to work professionally at some point during
their lives. Women are outperforming men on all degree levels and in most
disciplines. With the flexibility in the workforce, there are many more options
for women to pursue a career while supporting and nurturing a family. Why is
this still not seen as viable, laudable, and desirable for women?
I was speaking with a group of smart, 20-something women and
one of them stated that she was the ward employment specialist, but she really liked
setting people in the ward up on dates and did that “in conjunction” with her
calling. I was completely baffled at the connection until another woman in the
group said, “Well, since all women want to be homemakers, that really was their
desired career projection you are effectively magnifying your calling.” I just rolled
my eyes and swallowed the vomit that had surfaced.
Additionally, a friend of mine texted me about her stake
president’s wife who titled her stake conference talk “Families can be together
forever, but first you have to get married” and focused on how we’re limiting
the number of children we can have because we’re too focused on careers and we’re
putting off marriage.
To these women, I say, please stop generalizing your own experience
with the common human experience. Just because someone gets married at 20 and
has 7 children does not mean that that formula is right for everyone.
I desire to have a family, but my family will look different
than your family. I find the pursuit of a career immensely rewarding personally
and immensely beneficial for a well-adjusted “successful” family. I am grateful
that my mother has two master’s degrees and has taught me that the pursuit of
education was important. Not just in case
something happened to my husband, but important for me to find personal
satisfaction and to seek after the potential that I have.
I would like to state that if it is your desire to be a
mother and stay at home and raise your children, I see nothing wrong with that.
I would just like to state that that path is not my personal primary desire.
I want to be a role model for women who can balance career
and family but I want to be clear that I am not saying that there aren't women who are role models who are stay at home mothers. There are many. However, if
you can provide any valuable insight on balancing career and family in the LDS culture, that’s the talk in stake
conference or in a Relief Society Meeting that I would like to hear.
